Life continues on for the Huish's. It's hard to update sometimes because I feel like the events of our days seem to sound redundant. How I wish I was updating on Sadie's progress, her playing with the girls, going to school, preparing for some turkey and mashed potatoes, and a Christmas holiday entailing kindness and her astounding testimony and love of the Savior. Now, I make mention of where we go, what we've done, and how our life continues on without our princess. So, that said, here we go!
I had the opportunity to attend "Time Our For Women" on Saturday with my mom, which was a gathering of amazing LDS speakers and wonderful music. It was a time to laugh and keep eternal perspectives. I was in the company of my sweet mother and some of my best friends. It was indeed an uplifting experience. Hilary Weeks performed "If I Only Had Today" and "Just Let Me Cry", among other humbling songs. These songs brought much reflection on when I last heard her sing in person. These two songs mean very much... mom and I shed some tears when they were performed, yet they were of course beautiful.
The snow is upon us, and I'm not a big fan. I think I have that seasonal something or another where sun is my preference. Snow is beautiful, but I despise being cold or slipping on ice. Zac is the guy where a beautiful day to him as t-shirt weather is coat unhappy weather for me! At night he sleeps with the covers off where I need all blankets. And I know he is just itching to get the snow blower a turnin'! So, we deal with the weather, as we have made Utah our home. Livi is like her dad, Sam and Sadie are like mom. Makes for interesting times. I came home from TOFW, and found that dad had invested in a sled. It begins...
I was also on my way home calling to check in, and Livi says "You need to come home so you can help decorate the Christmas tree." I quickly thought that my bearings were off - nope, I think I got it... it isn't even yet Thanksgiving. I asked to talk to dad, and Zac said "Livi wanted to put up the tree." So again, what Livi wants she gets. She doesn't ask for much, just early tree decorating and a puppy. By the way, next time I post something that we did on a whim, like oh, getting a puppy, please ignore any sensitivity and knock some sense into us! Actually, we very much love Lily, but boy those were some months of puppiness and potty training. So, again, don't refrain from knocking us upside the head on that kind of stuff. I figure a Christmas tree in the middle of November can't do too much harm, or poop on the carpet.
The girls are doing well - Livi is showing us everyday just how smart she is. Sadie was very intelligent, and Livi is right there with her big sis. I must honestly say they both learned to read from the Book of Mormon - recognizing little words and graduating to bigger ones. It isn't anything we encouraged, just happened as we read. Smart, smart monkeys. Livi is playing the piano amazing, and of course continues to sing and dance all the time. Sam is her shadow in every way. When Livi puts her robe on, Sam needs her robe. When Livi wears dress up shoes, Sam does the same. Sam's favorite things are to wake up wanting a dress and cocoa-roos, repeatedly say "Mom" until I am face to face with her, peruse the pantry all day long, and dance with mom when any music comes on from a show or a toy. I love them so much. They are such great kids.
In the past week, Sam has had moments of random heartfelt cries where she just plops into my arms in tears. I ask what is wrong and she says "Sadie". I ask if she misses Sadie and she says "Yeah, I miss Sadie." This is new to me, and is bittersweet - she is acknowledging Sadie, which means she remembers, but she is tenderhearted. Livi had a moment as well when we were at a pool recently. She was sitting by the edge, and when we called her name, she wouldn't turn around. I went and sat by her, and she plopped in my arms with those same heartfelt cries, saying she missed Sadie. Again, this is our reality, and though it just completely breaks my heart, I am thankful at the same time that they are getting those emotions out. I have never lost a sibling, so I have no idea what they are feeling, albeit at their tender ages.
As for my health, here's an update because it has been asked, but boo on that, skip it if you feel! All is going well. I haven't had a seizure or "spacing" episode in almost a month. We went to another neurologist for a second opinion, and he concurred with the diagnosis. As he happened to be a bishop, it was comforting to talk about the plan of salvation, the need to grieve and mourn, etc. He basically said that my body is saying "slow down and mourn Sadie." Thought that is what I was doing, and I have the best counselor in Zac, so a little confused there. I continue on some anti-seizure and anxiety meds, and recently took a visit to our bereavement specialist from our hospice team (Kay). As we talked, I basically asked what I needed to do to "grieve". Through this visit and the following days, my eyes were indeed opened. I just jumped right back into life. I was trying to make up lost time with the girls, keep busy, go everywhere, etc. I was doing what I thought was right and acknowledged missing Sades, but not looking out for "me mourning". What a very fine line of balancing! So Kay gave me some suggestions which have indeed helped, and I share them for the sake of possibly helping any of you.
I wouldn't say I am angry or bitter, but Kay suggested in those days of frustration, get it out. So scream (don't scare your children though), go hit softballs until you can't lift the bat, or go throw eggs at a rock (careful in your location! -no vandalism though, as birds use the shells, etc). I told Zac of that one and on our way home he picked up four dozen eggs! A few days later, we went down a back road, and threw them at the rocks and ground. It felt good, and it actually turned into a fun time with the kids. Nothing like seeing your little girls eggin' something. But we are thankful for the good suggestion. ;)
I write to Sadie every other night or so in a journal, and on night I don't write I watch a video of her. Sometimes in the dark of night I lay on the couch and talk to her like she is next to me. I've delved into anything that can be uplifting regarding books and articles. I came across one this morning in a completely random occurrence; here is the link.
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-315-10,00.html
She encouraged exercise, which we had already been doing. But now as I run on the treadmill, and feel I can't go much more, I think of Sadie or switch to a song that reminds me of her, and I can keep going. Kay also mentioned to get out everyday, even if it is a walk around the block. Get a change of scenery everyday.
Those are just some suggestions, that I hope some of you can benefit from. I will see Kay again this week so I will add more if I get more. I must say that the idea of seeing someone to "help" in the grieving process seemed unnecessary... as I said, I have Zac and a great support system, so who else do you need? But I swallow my pride. It is their profession to offer help, and I am grateful for the resource.
I ask at this time to keep some families in your prayers. Our little pal Andrew, who may be undergoing some new treatment (www.caringbridge.org/visit/aws). And sweet Maryn, who is in Texas for some new treatments (http://www.marynshope.org/). And please keep all families going through this experience close to your hearts. I've also been asked to post the following link about a young gal who could use your assistance and prayers as well: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=8505904.
As for some resources and neat opportunities to help the kids - please refer to http://www.target.com/ and check out the gift coins area to benefit St. Jude's. Please also refer to www.macys.com/believe to check out how they will contribute to Make-A-Wish. And finally, remember coming up in the first week of December is the Festival of Trees (http://www.festivaloftreesutah.org/). There will be a tree honoring the memory of Sadie and our little friend Lucas. All proceeds benefit Primary Children's Medical Center. I'll give more details as it gets closer.
So there is our life in the last little while. All honesty, life without Sades is very, very, very hard. Words can't adequately express the feelings. It just doesn't seems real that we went through what we did, and yet right when those thoughts come, it feels so real. I miss her... my heart really does hurt and I ache to hold her. I have a renewed conviction to do what we need to do to see her again... to be a forever family. I have to have those hugs again!
Thank you for reading my ramblings, and for your continued support, love, and prayers for our family. We are blessed and humbled to have our Team Sadie.
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Zac put the training wheels back on the Dora bike for Sam. Though she can't reach the pedals, she still wanted to sit on it. She also wanted to wear a helmet and pads like Livi, so we got Livi's old ones out. Um, I never really understood what it mattered to have a kid with a head circumference in the 90-95th percentile (all my kids have). Well, this is one result of that statistic. This helmet fit Livi when she was this age, but not so much luck with Sam. Yet, she still wanted it on, so we let it go!
So it's been a good and teary weekend. We stopped by the cemetery last night, and there was a cute butterfly stick with a croc keychain attached to it... a sweet reminder of our little Sadie! I found out Bryan Adams (
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